Novice Players Brighten Poker Lexicon

Hi. Come on in. I've fired up my new crockpot and cooked up a vat of vegetable soup – low fat, low salt, light spices, high flavor. Start slurping.

I was browsing through the glossary of a poker book several weeks ago. It was interesting reading, but rather dry. I began to wonder what the poker terms would mean to the thousands of novice players now coming into the game. So, I went among them, asking what images the terms conjured up.

From my findings, I present this educational report, in the public's interest, on the language of poker. It is hoped that this will bring enlightenment to those who stumble into a crowded poker room only to be instantly baffled by the vernacular emitted from the participants therein.

First, I will list a poker term, followed by a definition from a novice poker player. Now, you might laugh at some of these interpretations (and it would help so much if you did), but they serve to point out once again the desperate need to broaden the base of language skills in our public school system. Students are being sent into the world unable to communicate with the general poker populace at large. Not only is Johnny unable to read – he lacks the ability to talk poker. Let's get on with the getting on.

Suited: "Dressed up. Probably going to work in an office."

Unsuited: "Wearing casual clothes. If you're not wearing any clothes, you would be birthday-suited."

Seven-card stud: "A good-looking mailman who brings me more than six postcards."

Full house: "When Aunt Floria and her eight kids come for a visit."

All in. "That's what Aunt Floria says to signify that her eight rowdy kids have all squeezed into my Toyota with ice cream cones and chocolate bars after a joyride to the corner store."

Exposed pair: "See that cocktail waitress over there … ?"

Hidden pair: "See my wife standing over there … ?"

Four of a kind: "See those two cocktail waitresses over there … ?"

Dead money: "What Uncle Horace paid a Chicago hit man to get rid of Aunt Floria. He missed."

Bad beat: "When a policeman is assigned to street duty in a very tough neighborhood, he is walking a bad beat."

Going uphill: "Driving anywhere in San Francisco."

Premium pair: "See that cocktail waitress over there … ?"

Short odds: "People who are 5 feet tall and behaving in a strange manner."

Long odds: "See short odds, but make them all basketball players."

Flop: "That must be the other side of a flip."

Pat Hand: "A girl I used to date in junior college until her older brother, George Hand, threatened to punch me in the nose."

Omaha: "A town in some Midwestern state."

Drawing dead: "When your sketches have no life to them – no sparkle – you are drawing dead."

Pot-limit: "Putting my husband on a diet when the size of that pot has reached the limit."

Belly buster: "See pot-limit."

Inside straight: "A heterosexual person who doesn't work outdoors."

Freeroll: "A cheese Danish for which I did not pay."

Button: "What you do with your lip when a large, angry person requests that you shut your face before he dents it."

Fifth Street: "That's where Nick 'The Greek' used to live (617 Fifth Street) before he won a lot of money and moved uptown."

Heads up: "Not to be done where there are pigeons flying around."

Pot: "If you're caught smoking it, you'll be talking to a judge."

Pure nuts: "No salt or unnatural ingredients added."

Razz: "The first part of a word that ends with matazz. It's also short for raspberry, as in 'give him the raspberry,' in which case, shouldn't it be spelled razzberry?"

Trips: "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub. Now I ask you, is that sanitary?"

That's enough broadening of our language skills for today. Maybe we'll do more at another time – and maybe not.

Great soup, huh? And next time I'll double up on the mushrooms. I'll call it mushroom soup with veggies. Now, chef Roy tires and requires repose. Take a big baggie of soup and kill the light on your way out.

Editor's note: Roy West, author of the bestseller 7 Card Stud, the Complete Course in Winning (available from Card Player), continues to give his successful poker lessons in Las Vegas to both tourists and locals. Ladies are welcome. Call 1-800-548-6177, Ext. 03.