Hi. Come on in. Get a cold soda from the fridge.

I'm thinking of adding something new. My astute powers of observation have shown me (after only 14 years of observing) that our magazine has no horoscope. Shameful! So, in an effort to rectify this glaring omission of journalistic responsibility, I will provide "The Roy West Infallible, Juxtapositional Stars and Planets Guide to Richer Living and Getting Your Poker Act Together."

Amazing as it seems, Swami Roy's lifetime accuracy rate has now reached 99 and 45/100 percent, making him slightly more "pure" than Ivory Soap.

Of course, this will be my own interpretation of the mystical vibratory powers of the occult. Keep in mind that while Swami Roy is not always right, he is never wrong. Let us zip through the zodiac.

Aries: Today you will finally get what you deserve from the game of poker. Sorry about that. Maybe you can borrow some money and start over.

Taurus: Poker players born under this sign are all "rocks." They play so tight that a whole can of WD-40 wouldn't loosen them up. If you were born on the 12th, you are seven days younger than people born on the 5th, but it doesn't seem to matter a bit, because you're all hard rocks, anyway. Loosen up, squeaky.

Gemini: It would be a good idea not to read your horoscope today. It would show that you soon will develop a new strategy for playing poker. It won't be any better than your other strategies, but it will be new.

Moonchild: Your poker winnings are governed by the distant planet Octagon, which is an eight-sided planet only 7 inches in diameter. This accounts for your very small winnings.

Leo: You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You'll learn a lot this week. Your goose is cooked, but your French fries aren't ready yet.

Virgo: According to the planets and your biorhythm numbers, this is an "up" day, which means that today you should get up. There are six "live ones" in your game at the Mirage.

Libra: You must fight your primary poker weakness – delusions of adequacy. However, with concentration and dedication, you can work your way up to being an average poker player (but never forget that you are a substandard person).

Scorpio: Your lucky number is 749384876264. Watch for it everywhere. Avoid challenging Doyle Brunson to a heads-up game with the stakes to include everything you own, including your pet cat.

Sagittarius: Your lucky number is zero, so even if you win, you won't get anything.

Capricorn: This will be a memorable week no matter how hard you try to forget it. You might set a new world's record for bad beats. You could get a new lease on life, if only you didn't need the first and last month's payment in advance. Try a hold'em game, maybe you can scrape it together there.

Aquarius: This birth sign is historically filled with gangsters, Omaha players, and other misfits. But, religion is in your stars; your church will cave in on you this Sunday. Also, you can make some money this week by auctioning off your copy of Puggy Pearson's book, How I Won Over a Million Dollars Playing Poker – and Lost it Playing Golf.

Pisces: Your horoscope won't be ready for another hour. Don't move until then. (You haven't made a move at a pot in six weeks, you rock! One hour should be easy for you.)

That's it for this time, astrology freaks. Until we meet again, somewhere down the road of life, remember: If you do not believe in the accurate, time-tested predictions of this horoscope stuff, you deserve every bad beat that comes your way.

Be of good cheer.

Now I tire and require repose. Take another soda and kill the light on your way out.

Editor's note: Roy West, author of the bestseller 7 Card Stud, the Complete Course in Winning, available from Card Player, has a toll-free number and continues to give his successful poker lessons in Las Vegas to both tourists and locals. Ladies are welcome. See his ad on page 104.