The Essence of Happiness

I want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of my readers, friends and family for their responses and giving me the encouragement to keep writing.



In case you are stumbling across this blog for the first time – I am currently doing a 3 part series on Happiness in our daily lives. If you have not already done so, I would suggest reading parts one and two which were the latest two posts on CardPlayer and they are also available on www.alectorelli.com under "Life Blogs." You also may have noticed I capitalized the word Happier. Why? Because it is a testament to the significance of the word. Capitalization is used for many things that are symbolic or important to our language, culture and lives. Well I think they missed perhaps the most important word of all – the one that keeps us going, the one we struggle so fervently to find, the one we work 80 hours a week in a cubicle to achieve – Happiness. Yes, it's that big.



P.S (or whatever the terminology is for a note before the article): The beginning is a bit slow but it all ties together – I promise.



I recently had a fascinating conversation with my dear friend Luke Kim. I called him bitching about a recent $100,000 downswing that I had faced in poker. Although I have faced this situation many times before, this one particularly bothered me. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Some may argue that the $100,000 alone is a worthy cause of complain, to which you are probably right. That being said, I wasn't about to let this be the catalyst of a downward spiral and I was determined to find the other possible alternatives for my misery. In the book "Happier" Ann Harbison, a colleague to Tal Ben Shahar says with candor, "Never let a good crisis go to waste." I was determined to do just that. Luke, who always provies the extremely logical and pragmatic angle informed me of what I already knew. Namely, that the money lost was a sunk cost, I could do nothing to change it and mourning wouldn't help the situation. What I wasn't expecting to realize was something that required further thinking. Something I found to be quite profound.



Several weeks before, I had done (if you remember from last week's post) a "Dreamline" which is advocated in Timothy Ferris' "Four Hour Work Week." He suggests setting goals that one wants to accomplish in an allotted time (usually 6 or 12 months). He then goes on to say that you determine your monthly expenses and combine that with the cost it will take to accomplish these goals. For example if your living expenses are $5,000/month (rent, gas, utilities, food, etc) and you want to take piano lessons which cost $250/month then you realize your "Dreamline" cost to be $5,250. He advocates further that one should have 4 "Dreamlines." My 12 month dreamline, for example included the attainment of a $600,000 house, learn piano, voice and start an online business. I determined the cost of these expenses plus my current monthly expenses and came up with a rather substantial number. I then broke it down further (as suggested) to figure out both the monthly and daily costs. I determined that from April 15th, 2009 (when I started my 12 month dreamline) to April 15th, 2010 I needed to make roughly $360,000 to do everything I wanted (I left a rather lavish budget for travel and other "needless" expenses as well). I felt this was a reasonably attainable goal that will challenge me but will still be within my given abilities. Furthermore, now that I had set this goal, I was liberated to enjoy the journey (as discussed in Part 2). So far, so good! We can infer with a high degree of certinanty that the "mistake" was not in the setting or attainability of the goal.



Over the next two weeks following commencement of my "Dreamline" I proceeded to lose a quick $55,000. I re-calibrated my dreamlines (this time with more money to be made and in less time) and began to exhibit symptoms of stress. Originally I needed to make $360,000 in 365 days and now I need to make $405,000 in 350 days. That's not good. So what was I doing wrong? One could argue that it's extremely difficult to find enjoyment while losing. Fair. However, there is a more esoteric truth to be realized.



After setting the goal, I began to get extremely excited at the prospect of buying my first house. I envisioned the kitchen, marble counter tops, large office, tile floors, french doors, the addition of my own wine cellar, steam room, decadent bathrooms, etc. I even took advantage of the fact that both my parents are in real estate and began to browse open houses in the nearby vicinity. In my mind, I had already purchased the house and was moving on to perfecting the details. I had developed the expectation of owning a house in 12 months. This expectation can be a dangerous assumption for if left unmet, it can prove to be the foundation for a life of unhappiness. There is a famous aphroism which reads, "the love of money is the root of all evil." I think an equally true and pertinent parallel is, "expectations are the root of all unhappiness."



Due to this unfortunate downswing, I quickly became aware of the realistic possibility that I might not reach my goal. For all I know I could have a losing year. I could be dead. There are an infinite number of possibilities for my life in 2009, only an abysmal percentage which I can envision. To expect that I will own a house in 2010 is not only foolish, but it could be detrimental to my happiness. Take the extreme example of ones well being. It is common practice to get up everyday and not give one iota of thought to your health, unless of course you are sick. I fall guilty of this nearly every day. I get up and expect to be fully functional, working at 100% efficiency. If you're like me, anything less than feeling perfect and you're upset. While this is not uncommon it's quite presumptuous. Imagine the following scenario. You're in your early 30's and are going to the doctor for a check up of sorts. You are probably so sure that everything is fine that you're annoyed at the fact that you even have to waste time for such a nuance. However, after pushing the appointment back several weeks already, you reluctantly decide to go. Unfortunately, variance strike where it hurts most and you find out that you are diagnosed with cancer and have 6 months to live. Well I could imagine that one would be pretty upset. Why? Because you are going to die? If you said yes then you are wrong. We are all going to die. We've been dying slowly since birth. It's not a matter of if you are going to die but when. The reason you are upset is because you expect to live until roughly 75. If you lived in some villages in Africa where AIDS is rampant (as high as 95% in some places) then you would be elated that you made it this far! Why? Because the median age of death (due to the AIDS epidemic) is somewhere in the mid 30's. It is ingrained in us that we will all live until roughly the average expected age of death. Anything less will prove to be unsatisfactory because we are blinded by our expectations. Think back to the last thing that made you surprisingly unhappy. It doesn't matter if its trivial or monumental. Did your expectations play a vital role in the cause? There are countless examples of this that we overlook on a daily basis. A few off the top of my head are speeding tickets (although we all speed, we never expect to get a ticket and thus are unhappy as a result), getting a sub par grade on a test we studied for or losing at poker.



The opposite of expectations is gratitude. Insofar that "expectations are the root of all unhappiness," then it must be true that "gratitude is the root of all Happiness!" What if you took the opposite extreme and instead of getting up everyday expecting to be healthy, you took 5 minutes in the morning to mediate on the fact that you weren't born with AIDS, don't have disease X, have a house, job, family, or whatever else it may be. You are investing in your happiness each and everyday by lowering your expectations to meet reality. God forbid if the unfortunate day comes when you realize you have cancer, well then you will be a lot more prepared to cope with the harsh realities associated with it. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "to different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven." You see, it's all about perception. This is why an extremely rich, famous, glamourous actor or musician isn't necessarily as happy as the janitor or taxi driver who is thankful that his family has bread on the table. Take Kanye West for example. We hold him in contempt at his behavior during the 2007 European Music Awards. Upon finding out that he did not win best artist or something of that nature, he threw a temper tantrum. His pitfall however was trivial. He expected to win. If he fails to realize this truth he will never be as happy as the musician who is content playing gigs at their local coffee shop and thankful that he gets to enjoy playing music for a living. We invest our time, money and energy in so many trivial things, from TV to stocks, yet we neglect what is the most important. When was the last time you invested something in the ultimate currency? By and large people are trying to invest their energy in hopes of their next job promotion. They however, are working with currency that has no intrinsic value, money. I don't want a job promotion because in of itself is useless. I want a promotion in what really matters – Happiness.



Another extremely interesting topic was discussed per our phone conversation. Luke was telling me of a recent dinner he had with Antonio Esfandiari and Phil Laak. A question was presented to the group for entertainment purposes – "How much (in percent) of your net worth would you pay to be 5 years younger?" Mind you that Phil and Antonio are in their early 30's and late 20's respectively. Do you know what they said? They both said easily 100% without question. While this may not be true for everyone, the astonishing high value they placed on time has something to be said for it's worth. "Money can always be made, but time can't," they said. While I (as a 22 year old) don't want to be 5 years younger, I must learn from their mindset. I realize that time is of the essence for it is the only thing we cannot generate more of. Money comes and goes, and the same holds true for anything. Time, however is in it's own category for it is the only thing that we cannot replace. Each day is a sunk cost. If you choose to waste it through superficial pursuits, that's your prerogative. Nobody is going to stop you. And perhaps that's the beauty. The only problem is, nobody's going to give you more either. It is up to us and nobody else to dictate the direction in which our lives flow, how we spend our time and ultimately, how happy we decide to be.



How are you spending your time? Growing up, I was extremely jaded to the fact that my parents spend an inordinate amount of their time with me and sacrificed a ton to my benefit. I thought this was typical of all families. I realized that one of the root causes of psychological and social issues among young adults can generally be traced to problems with their parents. I often hear readers tell me they wish they spent more time with their kids. I encourage you to do so. Personally, I want to spend more time with family, writing and stretching myself to learn new things. I want to spend less time playing poker. What's holding you back? Is it really necessary? Perhaps you need to find a new job, take a pay decrease or if all else fails, sell your private jet. Whatever it may be, you have to view things in the ultimate currency – happiness. Along the way, I encourage you to keep one thing at heart, you're never going to have more time than you do right this very instant.



I have learned a ton through this experience and I owe a lot of it to your thoughts and feedback on the matter. I really appreciate every email I get for it has made me a much stronger, wiser and Happier person. Thank you all and I'm glad I got to share this experience with you.



"We are as happy as we decide to be."



– Abraham Lincoln





Cheers,



~ Trah ~