Poker authors and columnists tend to be long on strategy and a little shorter on psychology, particularly in the sensitive area of being on tilt. Oh, sure, they'll tell you to be sure to stay off tilt and give you a few ways to combat this condition. You know, get enough rest, "play happy," jog a few miles to clear your head after a bad beat, take Prozac, that sort of thing. What they don't tell you is how to figure out when you're on tilt.
The problem is that you can't always tell when this mental disarray disorder has taken over. It's something that even your best friend might not tell you – especially when your best friend is playing against you. Until now there has never been an early warning list of tilt danger signals. But, after doing research and interviewing qualified medical experts such as Dr. Wolfgang Krock, the eminent poker psychologist, I have assembled a simple test that you can take at any time to determine if you're on tilt and at what stage. Simply grade yourself by the point listings and then compare your score with the guidelines at the end of this column.
For example, if you suddenly feel that everyone is playing much too slowly for you, give yourself five points. Add on another five points for every rack you've lost beyond the rack that you promised yourself would be your last. Then, tack on five more points for every hour you've played past the time you were supposed to be home. Make it 10 points if it's past the hour you were scheduled to be at work.
Get the drift? OK, now add on five points every time you make a really atrocious play, such as calling a capped pot on the river in Omaha high-low when the board shows four wheel cards and all you have is an 8 low. Make that 10 points if a low doesn't come, but you call because you hate to throw away your A-2. Or, if you're playing for high and call when you can't even beat the board.
Give yourself five points if you suspect that everyone at the table is laughing at you. Better make that 10 points if you see that everyone is being extra nice to you. And put down 15 points if there's an empty seat at the table and the floorman is auctioning it off to the highest bidder.
Do you find yourself at the stage where you offer to make a deal with God to give up poker if He can just get you even? Five points, at least – 10 if you think that God is answering you.
Take five points if you find yourself calling bets before you even look at all of your cards. Take five if you've played past the point where you feel your bladder is about to burst. Take 10 if you're playing past the point where your bladder already has burst.
It's worth five points if you've just written a marker for the last $100 in your checking account – and 10 points if it's for $100 more than you have in that checking account.
Write down five points if you find yourself sobbing every time you lose a hand. If you find yourself giggling whenever you lose a hand, you've really lost it and that's 10, at least.
Take five if you've become so paranoid that you think the other players are cheating you; 10 if you think the dealer is cheating you. If you know for sure that the players and the dealer are all cheating you, and you still can't leave the game, better take 15.
Finally, physical symptoms are often the most reliable way to determine if you're on tilt. Give yourself five points for any of the following symptoms that seem to match your own:
(1) You experience a sensation of tightness in your chest. (2) Your head hurts. (3) Your stomach hurts. (4) Your teeth hurt. (5) You hear noises in your head. (6) You hear voices in your head. (7) You experience dizziness or faintness. (8) You have difficulty breathing. (9) You have difficulty thinking. (10) You have difficulty talking. (11) You have chills. (12) You have hot flashes. (13) You have facial tics (or at least tics that you hadn't had before). (14) You experience uncontrollable trembling. (15) You are showing signs of amnesia. (16) You have trouble focusing your eyes. (17) You experience signs of hysteria. (18) Your leg is jiggling up and down like a rock drummer on speed. (19) Your heart is racing. (20) Your heart is palpitating. (21) Your heart has stopped. (22) Paralysis has set in.
Got that? OK, now add up your score. If you accumulated between 20 and 40 points, you're in the early stages of tilt. Take 10 slow, deep breaths and walk around the table a few times. Between 40 and 80 points, your condition is approaching critical. Fill a bucket with ice-cold water and keep your head in it until you pass out.
More than 80 points? You're not just on tilt … you've capsized! To quote the Greek philosopher Aristotle (hey, if Andy Glazer is always throwing in arcane quotes, why can't I?): Svet gournisht helfen. Loosely translated, that means, "Ain't nothin' gonna help." Your only out is to call 911 and pray that the paramedics can haul you away before you lose all of your money and sanity.